I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize