he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
