I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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