I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
