Don't make out with my wife yet
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
