If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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