New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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