Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize