dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
