Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
