I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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