If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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