mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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