if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
That reminds me...we need to get swords
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
