Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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