THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Girls should come with a carfax report
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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