right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
