I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It's shark week go big or go home
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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