Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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