he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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