Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
We have started to decorate penises.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
