My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
