So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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