we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
