I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
