3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
