I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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