wanna go halves on a baby?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
