Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
