new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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