i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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