I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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