Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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