Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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