My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
