Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize
