it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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