dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Randomize
