Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
