Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize