I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
We had to coat check the pizza.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
