just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
