Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
false alarm. still invincible.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
