I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
There are leaves in my underwear?
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