Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
