i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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