woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize