You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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