my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
