I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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