Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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