My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
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