Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
