is your mom at the bar?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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