Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
