I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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