Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
