So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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