there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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